Today I'm going to babble a bit about my boy. There is a lot actually in my brain and maybe this will help ease the pressure, similar in a way you open a valve and whoosh out comes the steam. Worth a shot, right?
First, today is my baby boy's birthday but he's not such a baby any more. In fact, he looks more and more like a man now and sometimes it freaks me out. Not a lot... just enough for me to wonder where the time went and miss my little boy. I miss the way I could pick him up and hold him to my chest and his little legs and little arms would try to wrap themselves around me and we would hug for a long time. I always wondered the kind of man he would turn out to be and most of that is still a mystery but there are more moments now that I can see glimpses of that future man who is my son. He's a good man and I'm proud. In spite of the divorce, living with his grandmother, going to several schools, mom being unemployed, dad remarrying and adding a sibling to the mix, mom getting remarried and I'm sure a whole lot of other weird things he's had to experience in his life, he's turned out pretty darned good. And I'm proud of him and mostly of myself. I can be proud... I worked hard at it. I cried, sacrificed, worried, clapped for every single little play or performance and I'm still working hard at it. But now I'm adding some fears to this mix.
As most everyone knows, Donald is out of work. HP laid him off because we wouldn't move to the hell-hole that is known as Rio Rancho, New Mexico. No way, no how. So, he's been looking for work, admittedly half-assed for some of the time, but then again, there aren't any jobs here so what was the point, right? We recently decided we needed some change and we needed to open up our scope of job hunting, for both of us, and we included Phoenix, Arizona as a potential location. Sure enough, I found a job that I forwarded to him and he followed up on it, had a couple of phone interviews and this week he has a face to face meeting with folks from that company. He already had tickets to fly out to visit his parents this week so he offered to meet up with the company while out there. They've told him he is a top candidate (well, duh - it's a job selling HP products - he did pretty good at it at HP so.....) and so we have started to consider what would need to be done if he was offered the job. That includes talking to Christian about the good possibility of moving to Phoenix and he's not really thrilled and I can't say that I blame him. He's doing great here. Good grades, a sweet little girlfriend, some weird but ok friends that give him social structure and his dad and family are here as well. I think I'd dig in my heels, too, if I were 15 and presented with this situation. So I understand where he is coming from, but my heart breaks and aches at the thought that I might need to move to a different city and my son won't be going with me.
Logic tells me so many people have done this before and the kids turned out just fine, they all worked out the visitation and schooling, etc, just fine. But I'm afraid now that if I end up in Phoenix and he stays here, how well can I get in his face about college and his grades and have our heart to heart chats about personal stuff that he doesn't talk to his dad about? What happens if his sweet little girlfriend breaks his heart and I'm not here? What if something happens to him and I'm not 15 minutes away!? I know that nobody has the solutions to these hypothetical situations but a control freak like me can't stand not knowing. He's my only child and I've said it to many but if something happened to him my life would stop as I know it... he's so much a part of me that I don't think I could stand it. He's my life. My family is my life, my husband is my life, but my life does revolve around my son and always has and always will. So I feel a bit crazy and lost at contemplating leaving him here. It doesn't seem right.
Anyhow, I don't think I released a valve here other than pouring my crazy fears onto the blog. I am reading a neat book, though, that maybe will help me sort some of this out: "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. Sharon lent it to me and it's very interesting, funny and thought provoking. Reading it makes me want to run away to a foreign country for a while to sort things out. Oh well... that's why I read.
Enough babble... Time to get to work, to earn that pay that isn't up in the baypand as promised when hired and is now much lower thanks to a forced pay reduction last year, a jacked up, throw me under the double decker bus performance review and wishy washy, slack-ass manager. yeah.... I need a new job.
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