Returning to work

Returning to work after two whole weeks off is a little unnerving.  First I have to try to remember this 14 digit multi-character password that I always have a hard time typing in (the fingers just don't make sense, ya know?) and then hope that IT hasn't changed anything on me while I wasn't logged in over the holiday break.  Then I have the anticipation of new updates that will need to be pushed once I do log in, a reboot or two and then I can tackle my emails.  What would we ever do w/o emails?  I am very lucky... I only had about 25 new emails over the entire holiday break.  Or am I?   See, (and here comes the maybe not too anticipated deal w/my job) I don't think my team likes me and they aren't sending me communications when they should be sending me them.  So I wonder if, during the whole entire break, my team a) worked, b) didn't work or c) worked but purposely didn't send me things and conspired to figure out how to get me off the team.   Yup... I do think there might be a conspiracy out there.  Maybe.  Ok... maybe not like I make it out to be, but I do think I'm right on that my team doesn't like me very much.  They speak a different 'language' that isn't like English to Hindu or Spanish or anything like that.  It's more like they have their own little clique and way of understanding each other and I just don't fit in.  That assumption is actually pretty right on.  I've talked with other people, including the other new investigator added to the team after I was hired, and they, too, feel the core team members just have this way of communicating and running this team that they aren't letting outsiders in on.  I've tried for a year and a half to learn their language, do my job to the best of my ability (even when I was slacking but to most people I wasn't what could be really defined as 'slacking') organize my life, seek therapy, re-approach my job from so many different directions to try to get a handle or grip on understanding and I finally realized, after a crushing performance review, that I am not cut out for this job.  I don't fit it.  The team is not letting me in and the training just hasn't been there. 

Now for those of you who don't know, I'm a hard worker.  I have a stickler work ethic.  My previous job in HP Fraud Prevention - I was AWESOME.  I kicked ass & took names, helped shape the policies and procedures for my role and our team.  I mentored, trained, caught millions of dollars in fraud, received employee of the month/quarter awards for going above and beyond and helping my entire dept where ever I could.  I didn't mind, either... because I loved my job.  I was damned good at my job.  I left my other job for additional opportunities and also to get away from my manager... who in retrospect probably wasn't that bad compared to my current team.  She just micro-managed things a bit too much for us, but given the crap rolling downhill from HP upper management, can't say as I blamed her too much now.  (why the hell is hindsight 20/20 again?) 

I'm ready to move on now, though.  I'll continue to do my job because I don't know how NOT to do my job.  I do my best but I will say I won't kill myself over this job anymore.  My stress levels are already so high, at least they were before my two week break, that I could feel pains in my chest now and then.  I could actually feel my pulse race just thinking of going to sit down at my desk and anticipating what kind of bad things were in my email box.  I was getting migraines way too often.  I've gained way too much weight and if anyone thought my PMS was bad before, it's off the charts now... and my family has paid way too high a price for my mistake.  So I'm going to fix that. 

So I better get to work, sort through the emails, refill my coffee cup and do my best not to stress out too much and have a little faith that everything will work out.   And while I am at it, I'm keeping my eyes and ears wide open to new opportunities.  Wish me luck!